At this moment in time you are associating with that memory, or memories of your step dad. Re-living those events of his passing and your loss as if it is actually happening again right now. This is what many people do when grieving the loss of a son, daughter, spouse or parent. Because as you are seeing that time again, replaying it in your mind, you are not watching, seeing yourself in that scene, disassociated, but associated with it and all the thoughts and feelings that it brings by looking at it through your eyes as if you are actually there. And by doing so you are not actually feeling what you did back then, as those feelings have gone and in the past where they rightfully belong, but are now creating new feelings of fear, loss, and unhappiness.
It's OK to feel the sadness, to cry and to be missing someone we love. But to help us get through and over those times to letting go of the unhelpful thoughts and feelings of pain so that we can live our lives not just for ourselves but for those special people still living around us. It is important to learn to adjust our perspective in the situation. And by doing this we can remember the person who has gone and associate their lives with happier times and honer their memory.
1.) The next time you begin to think about that unhappy event, close your eyes and imagine freeze framing it. Like taking a snap shot of a photograph. And then imagine stepping out of that picture and now you are looking at yourself. When you do this you will notice a change in your feelings.
By stepping out of that scene and imagining seeing yourself in some past event you have become disassociated.
2.) Drain out all of the color in that still image of that unhappy time and then imagine, still while your eyes are closed an imaginary line behind you stretching way off into the distance and disappearing. This line is going off into the distant past.
3.) Now taking that still black and white image place it on that imaginary time line behind you and then see that image moving backwards away from you moving off into the distance, further and further away. Getting smaller and smaller. Growing dimmer, more and more out of focus on that timeline completely disappearing until you can't even see it any more. If that image comes back again into your mind just repeat these steps above.
To help change unhelpful feelings we first need to disassociate from them. And by mentally going through the steps that I have suggested here is a very powerful way of accomplishing this.
Creating Good And Wonderful Feelings
Honor The Memory
1.) Now think of a time, some happy event with your step dad when you felt really good. Looking at and Seeing yourself with your step dad in that image.
2.) If that image of that time is dull turn up the brightness and add in some contrast making it crisper and bring it into focus. And add more color to it.
3.) If it's a still image see it playing as it happened that day in 3D and in full color and moving. See it in a panoramic view all around you. If there are no sounds add them in and turn up the volume and making that picture of that great time even bigger and brighter and bring it closer to you and closer still.
4.) Notice what was going on and looking at yourself. See what you'd see. Hear what you'd hear and feel what you'd feel. Giving yourself time to do each step and to notice those wonderful feelings that you are now creating in your body. Doing this will mentally change how you are feeling and really notice those great feelings.
5.) Make that image even bigger and and brighter and brining it closer and closer still then, and as you are feeling all those wonderful feelings step into yourself in that scene and relive those good times.
Be Creative
If while you are remembering like this you may suddenly fill up with tears of joy while feeling all those wonderful feelings, great! And, maybe, using your imagination in one of those scenes telling your step dad how much you love him and seeing him smiling back at you while you are feeling all those wonderful feelings. And while he is looking back at you notice his eyes, smiling and filled with all the love and acceptance that he has for you as he is looking back into your eyes.
Repeat this mental exercise several times and each time perhaps choosing and remembering some other good life event with your step dad.
Remember If we want to associate with more happier times then as I have just shown we step into that scene so that we are no longer seeing ourselves and re-livng that time seeing it through our eyes.
You don't have to stop missing your step day, and you are not going to forget him. But by taking the time to do the mental experiments that I have put forward here is going to help you to getting over those unhelpful feelings and to cope with the sense of loss to helping you to move forward so that in time you will get over and through this and be able to move on to doing more creative things with your life and having even more happier times. And isn't this what we want for our children?
So to disassociate from bad memories we step out of them. To associate with good memories we step into them.
And if you choose to follow all of my instructions in this post. Sooner or later, you are going to discover that you have the ability to remember all those wonderful times with your step dad and living your life to its fullest. And still honoring with love the memory of your step dad.
Peace, Love and best wishes,
Whtielighter
