My journey of grief is a long up hill battle, as it is so with many others, it's a constant fight to get through each day and can be very weary and draining, yet i do get through each day. This is my story, my personal journey which i would like to share with you, warts and all.
For me it started with the death of my youngest brother who committed suicide at the age of 35, my baby brother, such a fine free spirited young man, the news of his death was such a shock, it hit me like a runaway train. Only a few weeks later my husband walked out on me after 18 yrs of what i thought was a beautiful marriage, again a total shock, he was my world and it killed me when he left. The death of my brother destroyed my mother and i tried so hard to comfort her the best i could, i couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child, being a mother myself the thought was just unbearable.
Then 2yrs after losing my youngest brother, my eldest brother fell on the stairs in his flat and died of massive head injuries aged 47, he had laid behind his front door all day before he was found, and i actually walked past that day unaware he was laying there slowly dying all alone, my poor mother and father lost another of their children, the family where thrown into a deep hole of despair, i thought at the time omg!!! it just can't get any worse, but it did.
Only 7 months after the loss of my eldest brother, my world was thrust into pure darkest deepest hell, my beautiful son committed suicide aged just 25yrs it smashed me into a million pieces, the word shock doesn't even come close, there just aren't the words to describe how you feel when you hear that news, that very second you hear those words, your life just stops, the life you had is gone forever and you never get it back, it's just gone.
I was like the living the dead, i was here but i wasn't, i walked, i talked, i even smiled but i was dead. The world went on but i just stopped, a zombie i suppose the walking dead. I had a friend who smoked cannabis, i'd smoked it before on the odd occasion, i asked him to roll me one and i smoked it, oh it didn't stop the pain of course it just numbed me, and that was it i continued to smoke it every night for 12 months, just got stoned out of my face, i hated myself so much, i carried so much guilt and still do, i felt i'd failed as a mother, how could i not see my poor son was feeling so bad?
?? how the hell did i miss the signs, oh i know logically my son hid it so well, no-one saw it coming he gave no signs at all, but that doesn't alter anything for me, i will always carry guilt until my last breath, it's something i must live with, and it's not easy it bloody eats away at me.
I realised after a while i couldn't carry on getting stoned every night i was hiding behind the cannabis, it was only delaying my grief, and i had my other son and my grand-daughter to think of, and the rest of my family, so i stopped smoking it. And my god did the grief hit me, i think i had been in total shock for a year, the agony absolutely consumed me, i howled at times like a wild animal, i was in so much pain i just didn't know what to do with myself, i wanted my ex husband so badly, i just wanted him to hold me whilst i cried, but he wasn't there, i felt so, so lonely, i had my other son and my family, but i chose to be alone with my pain, i didn't want to be a burden in any way, so that's how it became, i became very private about my grief, smiling for the world on the outside, but screaming inside, spending hours and hours locked in my flat sobbing, and hating myself. Of course it all caught up with me and i ended up in a right state, i suffered chronic panic attacks, lost so much weight i was skin and bone, and had terrible flashbacks. Then came the day when i thought i've got to do something, so i did what i'd been most afraid of i held out my hand and asked for help.
That was the start of letting go of the self punishment i'd been putting myself through as a result of the guilt i felt. I finally stopped hating myself and allowed me to start loving me again, don't get me wrong i still have days when i get angry with myself and the guilt hits me right in my guts, but i deal with it better now, i know i was and still am a good mum, and my son loved me so much, he was always telling me, and he always gave me hugs, even as a grown man he always had a kiss and hug for his mum, and always came for a chat if he had any troubles, unfortunately on that terrible day he chose not to come to me and he took his own path without me, and that is something i have to live with, it's not something you get over, you never get over losing your child, it's something you have to learn to live along side of.
I like to find comfort in the thought that my son is not alone on the other side, he as his two fantastic uncles, my brothers with him, who loved him to bits, and i know they will take great care of my boy until i join them.
Grief is such a personal thing and differs from one person to the next, there are no set rules, no right way or wrong way, it's just your way.
For all who are suffering, take heart, you are not alone,
Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
Love and Light,
Sunshine xxx
?? how the hell did i miss the signs, oh i know logically my son hid it so well, no-one saw it coming he gave no signs at all, but that doesn't alter anything for me, i will always carry guilt until my last breath, it's something i must live with, and it's not easy it bloody eats away at me.
